There are times when, I admit it, I hate something. I very rarely hate a person, unless they’ve done some truly horrific thing to me or my loved ones.
No, what I’m referring to here is the hate I feel towards my own actions, or, rather, lack of same. In short, I am self-loathing again. (Feel free to stop reading now; this is basically the same shit you’ve already read).
*whistles while people wander away*
Still got some readers? Great.
I told my mother I would be by her house yesterday at around 1 pm, right? Well, I overslept and didn’t wake up until a quarter past 3. I’ve not been sleeping well, lately, and this in no small part, contributed to this over sleeping. (That, and in all honesty, I stayed up later than I wanted to, so I was pretty well frakked from the start).
That said, I get an angry email from her letting me know that she doesn’t appreciate me not coming by. All well and good. I deserve that, I think, since I did break our appointment and not call her until well past half four. I take my lumps when its my fault.
What I will not take, though, is that she, apparently, blames me for her former employees walking all over her. As if that is somehow my fault.
Background: She used to own a small café and it, basically, failed due to punishing small business taxes and an inept staff.
Now, I am to blame because I apologized to her for breaking our appointment and this dredged up old memories of her inability to manage her business? To quote Will Smith: “Aw HELL no!”
I hate it that I broke our appointment. I don’t like it when I cannot keep a commitment. I especially hate it when I break a commitment due to me over sleeping.
I’m not to blame for something I had no control over. I am to blame for missing the appointment. And that’s all the blame I’m going to take.
The House of Goonery 
First question I would ask is whether your mother knows about your irregular sleeping habits as of late. Does she know that you’ve not been sleeping during “normal” sleeping hours? If not, then tell her. You are human and make mistakes. Feeling regret for missing a pre-established visit with your mother is fine and even warranted; hating yourself for missing it is not healthy. Dwelling on it is even worse. 😛 Unfortunately, though, your mother was already feeling irritated because of what her former employees are doing to her and your mistake only added to it so you get to bear the brunt of what she was feeling because of them. I’m sure she was expecting that you’d show up so she could air her grievances face-to-face and when you didn’t show, she lost out on that avenue of venting. I do my best not to take my irritations in one are of my life out on people who have nothing to do with what’s going on. but I sometimes do. It happens. Hell, I’m a woman and at least once a month I am a bitch because of my hormones. That’s not anyone’s fault, but they are often the brunt of my ire.
As New Yorkers say, “Fuggedaboutit.” 😉
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