Saying Goodbye

My friend died, yesterday. We’d known each other since 1987 and for a lot of years, we saw each other three-to-four days of the week. I counted him as one of my best friends.

His loss is still raw, still hard for me to take in. To think, this man who was only a few years older than I, is gone. He died of a heart attack.

This is such a surreal moment in my life that someone I have known since I was 16 is not here on this earth anymore. I miss him dearly, even though we’ve not spoken in many years, life being what it is.

Yesterday, not only did I lose my friend, but I lost my cousin, too. He also died of heart related trouble. In his case, it was expected. He had been born with his heart on the opposite side of his chest, essentially reversed from everyone else. His condition, whose name escapes me at the moment, is a rare condition which is usually fatal within the first 10 years of birth, held off on taking my cousin until he was 46.

Dealing with his death is easier, I feel, because, even though he’s blood, I knew it was only a matter of time before he passed. With my friends death, we had no such luxury.

It was sudden. And it hurts.

I have cried more today than I have in quite a long time. I have broken down twice and ugly cried both times. I know dealing with his death will get easier, I guess, with time. I know I have regrets for not making more of an effort to reconnect with him, after having lost contact.

I know such regrets are illogical and I should accept that this is just how things are. I cannot change it. As much as I want to.

I feel a void in my life. A serious loss that will not soon be recovered from.

My friends name is Ashley Lovins. My cousins name is William Thomas. I will miss them both immensely. These two men, both of whom inspired me in their own ways, will be thought of often.

Rest well, Ash, my brother from another mother. Rest well, Billy, my cousin. Both of you have earned your rest.


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2014 in review

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 550 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 9 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

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My Thoughts About Me

I know it has been a long time since I posted anything to this blog. I am sorry about that. My drive to write, be it for myself here or professionally has been virtually non-existent for a long time.

On rare occasions, like now, I feel the need to get wordy, but I always hold back, mainly because I still don’t see what people see in all this.

Still, stretching my typographical skills while expressing myself is always fun. To a point.

I am thinking about killing myself. In all honesty, I have been thinking about this for months. Why? Because I will never be who I want to be.

This is a topic I have danced around for years, but never directly addressed here. I am not sure why. I guess I just wanted to keep this part of myself to myself.

I am transgender. I was born male, but identify as a woman. I want to physically and socially transition, but certain things, such as a lack of funds, prevents me from doing so.

This disconnect, this raw horror is what drives my desire to transition. I never wanted to be male, to have the social “responsibility” of being “the man” thrust upon me. I cannot stand this life anymore.

Can you understand the horror of waking up everyday knowing your body is not right, that when you look in the mirror you see a face that is only familiar by repetition of viewing rather than familiar of ownership?

Can you understand grief I feel when I take my clothes off to shower and instead of a smooth area there is a lump of flesh and a hanging sack? Can you imagine the betrayal of your face as it grows hair?

Can you understand it? More than an intellectual understanding, now. Can you understand it emotionally? Can you place yourself in my position and imagine what it would be like to have a body that feels so wrong to you you cannot fathom continuing to draw breath?

I would rather die than continue to live a lie. And that is all this life really is. A lie to make others comfortable. To make sure they’re not creeped out by something they cannot, or will not, acknowledge: that everyone’s gender identity doesn’t match what their eyes see.

Frankly, I am tired of living for everyone else. So I want to die for me. I want to die so I can be free of this maddeningly insensitive world and its near impossible rules it imposes on us without so much as a backwards glance.

My preferred gender pronouns are she/her. My preferred name is Alexis. My friends are onboard with all that and willing to alter their speech patterns when I give the word.

Anyone who refuses to respect my gender pronouns and chosen name, for any reason, isn’t really my friend and can fucking die in a fire.


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Considerations: Your Input is Needed, Please

Lately I’ve felt I’ve outgrown the need for  “House of Goonery.” Maybe it’s because I am older, more jaded, or what have  you that I feel I’ve moved beyond the need for a space, or rather a title for a space, which points out my quirks to readers rather than allowing those quirks to shine through on their own.

My one overriding goal with this forum is to create a space where serious debate can occur, but one where humor is always near the surface of the conversation. In other words, a place where serious topics can be discussed while maintaining my sense of humor.

It’s also been something of a dream of mine to have some of my content shared far and wide anf have it taken seriously by all who read it.

People tend to take content serious if it originates from a serious sounding site, be it a blog or other news site.

“The House of Goonery” doesn’t easily lend itself to a serious conversation or site. In all honesty, I get frustrated with this forum, not because of the services offered, but because of how I’ve handled this platform in regards to the disimination of my ideas.

I have to wonder, is my writing style, my tendency towards self-depreciation as humor off-putting to some? Or do I just suck as a writer?

Betting it’s the writer suckage.

I doubt seriously any of this will happen, especially the shared widely part.

Still, weirder things have happened, right?

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And Then There Were A . . . Couple?

ATTENTION GRAMMAR NAZIES: This is a freewriting exercise. As such, there will be errors. Please get over yourselves and drink a coke.

There is this thing that often happens to me. Often it is embarrassing to the extreme. Sometimes irs funny, but often it hurts.

There are realky two things, since, you know, the title mentions two things.

What they areisn’tclear even to me since, you know, this is a greewriting exersice and I don’t care overmuch id it makes much sense.

If I cared i’d do something about it.

Yrs there are spelling and granmae isdues. But this freewriting stuff worked for William Faulkner. Have you read The Sound and the Fury? Piece of ill designed shit that is praised fpr veing a wotk about trasging the Englidj language.

Take a second to appreciate the irony in the last run on sentence.

Anyway, whatever i guesd im done here.

Off with yoh.

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I found my password for this blog! Woot and huzzah’s all around! In case you were wondering where I went, that’s the reason: lost password. *sigh* But, now that I’m back, I will be trying to write about various things that I feel moved to expound upon as the mood strikes me. So, what shall I write about now? Hmm? Politics? Government? Religion? (Really who can tell ’em apart these days, amIright?) How about I just chill and write what comes along into my noggin? Yeah, that sounds good.

I will be bringing back the Open Thread Thursdays, which were always popular back in the day. If you have a suggestion for topics, shoot me a line and let me know what it is. I shall be pleased to opine on a variety of topics, known and unknown. Far and wide. At great length or short proclamations.

I DO have time for jibberjabber!

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101 Things About Me: Part Sixteen

I am trying to expand my taste in music. Or at least bands. My Bride recommended a group called Within Temptation. They’re a great group. I’ve discovered, with the exceptions of bands like Metallica, Queensryche, and a handful of others, I prefer a woman lead singer. I’m not sure why that is, maybe I just like the sound of a woman’s voice more than a man’s.

Regardless, Within Temptation is a very good group and you should check them out.

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Kind of Excited

I’m kind of excited about the future. I’m optimistic that my goals, while still far away, are obtainable and if I just keep working hard to get there, I will. I’m going Monday to get some blood work done as well as a physical. It’s been far too long since I had a physical and I need to figure out where I stand and how to move forward.

I’ve not been this optimistic in a long time, which tells me that at least on some level, my medications are starting to kick back in. I was off them for a time, but now all’s coming back to the center. (Though I suspect my celexa is not as effective at fighting the depression as I hoped it would. I don’t really want to go higher with it (if, in fact, that’s even recommended.)).

I wish I could go into more detail, but I don’t want to do that yet until some other things occur first.

Anyway, thought I’d share.


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101 Things about Me, Part Fifteen

I know far too much about “Star Trek” and far too little about social conventions and interactions.

Posted in 101 Things About Me, General, Personal, Social Observations | 4 Comments

Well. . . . Sorry.

Here I am. Once again sitting at the old computer writing about writing a blog. If you’ve followed this blog for any length of time, then you know my posting habits are, well, to be honest, sporadic. I am sorry to those who want to read my stuff (Seriously, why do you torture yourself like that?) and all that. I have, of late, been dry for ideas and whatnot. There have been times when I wake up in the morning and am thinking of a really good topic to blog about. I can see me writing it out, making the most awesome points as I solve whatever social/political/moral/Lego problem that I happen to be focused on.

Then I fully wake up and return to being, well, me. I am not a philosopher, but I think deeply. I am not a guru, but I have taught. I have no great wisdom to impart. . . . Yeah. We’ll stop there. All I can think of is ‘but I fart’ and I don’t want that juvenile “humor” in my blog. I mean, this is a serious forum for serious discussion. Not some dick and fart factory.


In all honesty, since so much has happened since I last posted, Newton, fiscal cliff, the 113th congress already failing, to name a few, I’ve been busy working and I’m looking for another part-time job to supplement our finances. In truth, this leaves little time to devote to something I once held a great passion for. I love this blog and I want it to succeed (and by that, I mean regular posts and regular readers). To be noted for something other than depressing well-life-is-shit-woe-is-me posts. I’ve had enough of those and I think you (two? three?) readers have too.

I cannot with any certainty claim to offer interesting or insightful thoughts on anything. I cannot promise you’ll be entertained when you come here and read these words. I can only promise that I will do my best to entertain, enlighten, and, with any luck, make you laugh.

Warmest Regards,

Posted in Blog Related, Entertainment, General, Personal, Philosophy, Social Observations, Writing Exercises | Tagged , , , , , | 3 Comments