Regrets

Regrets are the biggest issue for me. As I get older, I recently suffered my 49th birthday, I realize that my regrets are weighing on me more and more these days.

Chief among these regrets is that I got old. Sure, I know what you’re thinking, ‘Goon, everyone gets old.’ That may be true, but it’s not the biological aging I’m regretting. There’s noting I can do about that.

No, I’m talking about the regrets of missed opportunities. I regret not living my best life all these years. I regret not reaching out more. I regret not completing school. I regret not figuring out who I am sooner and I deeply regret not doing something about it sooner so I could spare the feelings of so-called friends who are now not even a factor in my life.

In middle school, there was a bully named Brian who picked on me relentlessly. I regret not smashing his skull open. I hope your life is miserable, full of fear and hatred. I hope you’re poor, sickly, and without hope. You deserve every minute of your personal hell. I hope you die unfulfilled and screaming for your mommy.

In middle school, there was a girl I had a crush on named Kristen. I regret not telling her how I felt, even though I know she didn’t feel that way about me and likely never would.

In high school, there was a young man who expressed his desire for an intimate relationship with me. I won’t mention his name here. I regret not exploring that relationship. Like many high school aged kids, I was scared of what other people thought (even if I told people and acted as if it weren’t true). I doubt he’ll read this, but I apologize for trivializing your feelings and laughing at the thought of us together. I hurt you deeply. I know that now and I apologize.

I regret so many things, events I wish I could change, actions taken. I can’t though. My avatar is the TARDIS from Doctor Who. If I had a real TARDIS, I could at least try to change a few of these regrets. But, that is fantasy. The reality is that I have to find a way to live with my regrets; to unload the emotional baggage I’ve accumulated over the past 49 years.

I don’t know how to do that. Not in any healthy manner, at least.

Any ideas?

About WonderGoon

WonderGoon is seeking enlightenment and questions everything.
This entry was posted in General, GLBT, Old Friends, Personal, Philosophy, Social Observations and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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