Regrets

Regrets are the biggest issue for me. As I get older, I recently suffered my 49th birthday, I realize that my regrets are weighing on me more and more these days.

Chief among these regrets is that I got old. Sure, I know what you’re thinking, ‘Goon, everyone gets old.’ That may be true, but it’s not the biological aging I’m regretting. There’s noting I can do about that.

No, I’m talking about the regrets of missed opportunities. I regret not living my best life all these years. I regret not reaching out more. I regret not completing school. I regret not figuring out who I am sooner and I deeply regret not doing something about it sooner so I could spare the feelings of so-called friends who are now not even a factor in my life.

In middle school, there was a bully named Brian who picked on me relentlessly. I regret not smashing his skull open. I hope your life is miserable, full of fear and hatred. I hope you’re poor, sickly, and without hope. You deserve every minute of your personal hell. I hope you die unfulfilled and screaming for your mommy.

In middle school, there was a girl I had a crush on named Kristen. I regret not telling her how I felt, even though I know she didn’t feel that way about me and likely never would.

In high school, there was a young man who expressed his desire for an intimate relationship with me. I won’t mention his name here. I regret not exploring that relationship. Like many high school aged kids, I was scared of what other people thought (even if I told people and acted as if it weren’t true). I doubt he’ll read this, but I apologize for trivializing your feelings and laughing at the thought of us together. I hurt you deeply. I know that now and I apologize.

I regret so many things, events I wish I could change, actions taken. I can’t though. My avatar is the TARDIS from Doctor Who. If I had a real TARDIS, I could at least try to change a few of these regrets. But, that is fantasy. The reality is that I have to find a way to live with my regrets; to unload the emotional baggage I’ve accumulated over the past 49 years.

I don’t know how to do that. Not in any healthy manner, at least.

Any ideas?