I don’t accept myself. Most of the time. I have a real problem with self-acceptance. So much so that, at times, I forget who I am. I look in the mirror and think, “who’s that?” I generally avoid mirrors for that reason.
Once, I saw my reflection in the mirror at Wal-Mart (my favorite place to shop, as long time readers know) and it took me a second to recognize myself. I actually started to get out of the way of myself. I felt, as you might imagine, somewhat strange doing that. And it has been on my mind ever since.
What led me to this point where I cannot even recognize myself in a mirror? Do I have such a disconnect between my mental image of myself and the reality that I can only see myself as a stranger?
This is extremely disconcerting to someone who’s spiritual beliefs are centered around the concept of self-exploration and self-knowledge. Extremely disconcerting.
I’ve known for years that who I am inside is vastly different from who I am outside. The two have never been as estranged as they are now. My self-image is, perhaps, too perfect in scope to ever fit the reality of my physical being, but given the nature of self-imagery, that’s to be expected.
In effect, I am deeply disappointed in myself for not being ‘good enough’ for everyone else’s standards. Not smart enough, not good looking enough. Not rich enough.
I wonder, though, who’s at fault here? Me, for not being good enough? Or society for placing impossible standards? In my depression, I would definitely say it was my fault. All the way.
In reality, however, it is societies fault. So much of society is geared towards making people feel inadequate, either in body image or self-confidence.
In my case, both of these issues are at the forefront of my personal struggle for acceptance. I hate my body. I loathe it so much I have fantasies that brain-taping technology (the ability to record the personality and knowledge of a person) existed and that I can let this body die and get another one of my own choosing. Designed, of course, by me and perfected with gene manipulation.
A fantasy, of course. I shall have to do the best I can with what I’ve been saddled with.
Despite the naysayers, I AM worth it. I AM a good person. I deserve love and acceptance, just like you do.
As The Buddha said: “You, yourself, as much as anyone in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
I do love myself, my real, mental self. The body has got to go.